We presented to some of the SGB team members this past Friday. I got very little feedback to build on and it pushes me into rooms of doubt.

What am I really doing? Is any of it worth it? Is there some intelligence behind it or am I simply too full of myself? Why do I feel like this again, that too here, out of all places? It is one thing to not be understood in a place where no one really wants to know what you’re trying to do but feeling the same in a space where I desired to be understood is something that I wasn’t prepared for.

When will it happen? When will I get to collaborate? To build something with other people; to build together. To be greater than the sum of my abilities and skills. To make something that people actually believe in.

Every time I discuss my idea, it feels unnecessarily complex. My heart isn’t in it anymore because I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing and all I can do is work like a robot to deliver output and I hate that it’s this again. This monster is back again. When will it leave me in peace?

I’m tired of feeling like I’m a black sheep again. Going to the office, sitting in the corner, putting on my headphones and working till it turns dark. It’s like college all over again. Tell me, help me, discuss and debate. Why won’t you? What is the point then anyway?

Sometimes being able to think feels like a bane. Presenting feels like a stage. Silence feels like judgement that people are too polite to pass out. Spaces feel like vortexes and solitude feels like a curse. I have two more weeks to hang on and it feels like the brink of collapse.